THIS IS GAIJINASS!
When two men join forces and write 300 posts about the art of lunacy, it’s inevitable that they learn a secret about the unicorn that lives in your panty drawer and organizes your razor blade collection. While we won’t tell the world that particular bit of private, we can share with you now, 7 things that writing this website has taught us.
Now, I know what you might be thinking….
…but love us or hate us, read on and be enlightened.
7. Animals can teach us how to not get groped and raped.
Obviously, in nature there are symbiotic relationships. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. However, a helpless woman on a crowded train with some guys hand on her ass is considerably different from a little bird that pecks insects off a Rhino, or for example, Master Ruling Bartertown astride Blasters strong, firm, developmentally challenged back.
Ideas have been proposed and discussed. It seems though, that when one is being felt up, be it by a man or a woman, the proper reaction can be somewhat elusive.
This is where our good friends, the animals, come in. As Yosomono has proven through exhaustive field work and university research using “computers”, many animals simply do not give a fuck. This is instructive for a variety of reasons. While whoever is fondling your goodies in the number 7 car on the Chuo line, and your self-respect is running away from you faster than a Republican from Black Excellence month, an animal in your situation might choose a more simplistic approach to curtailing this behavior i.e. Rip the persons goddamn face off.
Aside from picking up quite a few vices they have learned from us, the humans, chimps also possess the unique ability to freak out for seemingly no reason and physically destroy whoever happens to be around.
There it is; train groping problem solved, people. You feel that cheeky rub-rub in a crowded train car, simply growl, then screech at the top of your lungs as you bite the offenders mug off.
6. Teaching in Japan, the Art of not Losing ones Mind.
Teaching anything, anywhere, can be a rewarding yet challenging experience; just ask David Koresh. However, working as a teacher in Japan can present unique and often unforeseeable ways to drive you completely mad.
Besides ones very livelihood being threatened by robots that have a secret, human hating agenda programmed into their fully self-aware, mechanical hearts, the day-to-day grind of existing within a system that likes to pretend you don’t exist within said system, can lead to all manner of whackyness.
We’ve talked about the jail break mentality as summer vacation creeps toward you, the slow slip into insanity that isolation at a remote mountain school facilitates when suddenly you “come to” and you’re drooling in front of a vending machine in some hallway you don’t recognize with two sixteen year old girls staring at you. It can all happen, and can all happen to you.
Buy the ticket and ride that little pony all the way to very edge of your fragile sensibilities.
A lot of people villanize English teachers in Japan too. We get that in the comments from time to time. I find it funny that the majority of these comments are full of grammatical mistakes/homo-erotica and personify what the English language might look like if it were actually a group of retards trying to fuck a doorknob in a Calvin Klein Commercial. Someone must be bitter about a bad experience in their past.
Maybe, the pony hurt them, hurt them someplace secret.
Well, I could be bitter about weirdos stalking me in school toilets or third graders trying to stick their fingers in my ass. But I’m not! So please, let go of your hate, it only leads to the dark side of the force…or the building of a killer robot. Or are those one and the same?
5. Japanese celebrities are a dying breed.
It’s a well-known international fact, proven by things like Science, that Japan invented “Weird”. Japanese television is the hybrid love child of a robotic tentacle monster driven by an angry chimpanzee and an omni-lingual dolphin ,named “Mikey”, that manages AKB48 and sells Methamphetamine’s to school children because, according to its therapist, “Mikey has abandonment issues”.
It just makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever.
In resent years, sure, Japan has tried to clean up its act, but that’s really simply been a token gesture. A lot like child pornography finally being curtailed. No, TV here is as bizarre as ever and the celebrities on it are complete maniacs, morons or people who practice Sorcery.
We covered the manhunt for the “uber-criminal” Noriko Sakai after her loving husband ratted her out to the police once he was arrested on drug charges.
Then Yosomono laid it down and spread the word far and wide when Tae Satoya, an Olympic skiing gold Medalist, was allowed to compete again for Japan in the Vancouver Olympics. This was amusing because not a word was mentioned about her wild sex (with a Gaijin! In a Roppongi night club!) in 2005. Nothing at all. Ever.
This shows you that when Japan wants Olympic glory, anything can be forgiven, even the heinous crime of foreign-bone-riding in the VIP room.
It’s been suggested by researchers that Japanese TV may serve a wider social purpose by telling idiots how to feel about situations, but when the show to watch on New Years is about leather glad gimps that punish comedians and an obese transsexual with a rocket launcher, it’s no wonder that everyone’s brain is completely fried. The human mind was never meant to figure shit like that out. With Shinsuke Shimada gone, oh Japan, what will you do?
4. America is in trouble because our Heroes only do direct to DVD now
America has been in trouble for a while now, and it’s a bummer because everyone seems to know it except for Americans. Under the pretext of “National Defense” the military has been used all over the world, for all kinds of questionable causes that are explained away as “protecting American interests abroad” and while that is all well and good, the empire must be maintained one could conclude, the fact is that today’s heroes are fags and the age-old ass kickers that produced the generations willing to kill everyone in the middle east were not bred on sensitive vampires and C.G. but on exploding faces and machine guns.
If you want a country of able-bodied men that are willing to sky dive from 25,000 feet on supplemental Oxygen, assassinate a foreign dignitary with his own lunch box and then play a no limit game of Texas Hold’em on his bloody, prone-position corpse, you need to teach them how to be hard as coffin nails. The best way to do this is movie magic and regular beatings. However, the following simply does not engender much in the way of HARD-ness:
No, it takes something unique to completely squelch any kind of humanity that might stop someone from kicking some haji in the face when he/she doesn’t obey your commands at a water distribution point in Baghdad.
Something like this…
…but this is also acceptable…
But oh how far the mighty have fallen. Now, action movies are largely based around Computer graphics instead of good ole fashioned stunt-man-hurting. People like Channing Tatum are allowed to mouth diarrhea all over everyone, and the gods of the past can’t make movies unless the story revolves around a cyborg on the loose in Eastern Europe.
It doesn’t help that they war amongst each other, and have been shrouded in criminal accusations regarding sex slaves, but despite Seagal Sensei popping in here to help out occasionally, he hasn’t really done much in the way of promoting the warrior mentality in the USA lately, and his album “Songs from the Crystal Cave” does not count, regardless of whatever he might say to you in bed.
3. From time to time, All Hell will Break lose.
2011 did everything in its power to not only destroy the super-soldier program known as Gaijinass.com, but it also tried to totally obliterate the very country of Japan at the same time.
The gods really pulled all the stops out with massive earthquakes, a colossal tsunami and just general mayhem and carnage in Northern Japan. Anyone who was in Japan at that time will never forget March 11th 2011, and we talked about some of the things we learned when the world started shaking and baking.
Survival was key, and we had to consider what was really essential. Questions regarding fidelity and commitment were raised all over the country and abroad and although a lot of people chose to leave because “This isn’t my country”, a lot of us chose to stay.
Needless to say, shit changed a good deal and despite the wounds given to an entire nation, the ultimate goal of all this hellish destruction failed.
Gaijinass lived on.
So, when ACTS OF GOD didn’t work out, the international conspiracy to stop GJS, headed by the Bidelbergs obviously, got petty and simply tried to have me deported. They wanted to play dirty, so Yosomono and I obliged them and smuggled my “liberty letters” out of the lock up and posted them here, on the website that’s cranking out freedom faster than SOFA and Homeland Security Warlocks can death ray it.
The end result? Not even the GOVERNMENT can get rid of us.
2. Japan is the Heavy Weight Champ of WTF, but You’re pretty damn moronic yourself.
It’s a running joke that never loses traction because it’s true: Japan is a weird damn place. It’s a magical world in which men pay women money to sit there and hang out with them and dolphins get the vicious beatings they deserve.
Bizarre Festivals and the gangsters lurking within them, Shrines located next to a dilapidated McDonald’s, Insane trains packed with drunken wenches at 6 Am and high-end hookers that appreciate Russian folk music. It’s a land full of mystery and intrigue.
The other thing it seems to be full of is everyone’s misconceptions, and we have done our level best to address the shit out of these.
It started by us debunking the idea that every Japanese woman on the street is actually a ravenous slut who will do anything to get a gaijin wang in her box. From there it spiraled, seemingly out of our control. We told the world how to get famous as hell here in Japan and Yosomono gave a seminar for the weak and infirm regarding health care.
He did this because he cares about you.
Drugs, the Gay, Divorce, Bribes and weird shit in toilets; everything got broken down and explained to the world. All the hype about Tokyo being too expensive to live in, beer vending machines, the Japanese super worker and Japans facade as an uber-wealthy nation; yeah we debunked and explained all that.
In the end, with so much excellence and knowledge having been bestowed upon Earth by us, we finally turned to the only thing left: Japanese Porn Myths.
Yep, we even shot holes in your fantasy’s fantasies.
And since you brought up sex, lets move on to our final lesson learned.
1. The World loves Japanese Sex Things
China basically hates Japan, and despite all the talk about “Nanking” or “Imperial Aggression” or “China not sucking”, in reality it’s more basic. If you put two Japanese female tourists on a beach in Bali, and then you put two Chinese female tourists on the beach in Bali, and all four of them order margaritas, guess who is getting their drinks first? Correct- Not the Commies.
See, the world over, Japan has developed, alongside its weirdo-ness, a sexy-ness spawned by an obsession with cuteness, that has become pretty well-known. It shows in our stats every day, and although it was a big surprise to me that “Sex Sells!“, who would have imagined (?!), it’s definitely helped put Gaijinass.com on the map.
It’s been interesting to learn just how many people want to read about a Japanese Dominatrix. The terms used in search engines tell us a lot about our readership, and apparently “Pain yes demand Japan Queen” is an actual thing.
No big surprise that Porno is popular, but when people really start paying attention to tongue in cheek directions regarding the finding of a “woman of the night” to help service your needs, it leads one to think a bit. It hasn’t just been the Japanese that people have been interested either, but stories of foreign women making their way in the world today as well.
If we were to put a finer point on things though, not just “Sex”, but get more detailed, it saddens yet fails to surprise me that insane computer games, and in particular the infamous game devoted to a mission of raping and impregnating women purely in the name of vengeance, gets so much attention. I’m no anthropologist, but I think it says someplace in the Bill of rights that “No means Yes.” Or have people got that mixed up? Either way, watch out for the face biting, though.
Japan, a peaceful place. And a place that really likes boning.
Hope you have learned as much about Japan as we have about all your dark, filthy secrets.
Read more Nonsense from GaijinAss by Checking out:
|7 Books for Warriors||Corn Soup Confessional||Cute vs Sexy||Kickboxing in Japan||7 reasons not go to the clink in Japan|
Your captaining one of the best sites on the J-web bro….keep it coming!!
What happened to that manga/sex/English teacher series? That was FUCKING AWESOME!!
Cheers man. MANGA BENT! Yeah, more coming, we have been brainstorming over here. We need to do some kind of collaboration at some point. Really piss everyone off.
Congrats on a triple ton. A don of the cap and a wave of the bat in the air for you sir. I hadn’t read your dominatrix interview before, you certainly do meet some interesting types GJA.
I’m probably supposed to criticise something, but I have enjoyed all of your posts so far. No bullshit and varying themes with a nice sprinkling of humour thrown in. Fun to read too. Yosomono does some great posts too.
I as always will look forward to the next post alert in my mail to break the monotony of the working day.
Thanks and thanks. We have a lot of posts coming up, and hopefully we can up our frequency. Man, your comments are awesome and they keep this shit interesting. Stay tuned.
There is nothing like sitting down with a buddy to play a game of contra. Two player, rockin music, blast the hell out of things with a friend BAD-ASS-NESS! Or should I say NES…huh? huh?…aw come on how often do I make a joke? Still though, good game, nice photoshop.
up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, start. If it doesn’t have the select, start, then your playing single player and a lonely lonely loser.
Anyone here play Hard Corps Uprising? Its the latest contra and has the same great ‘ol fell to it. I like playing Sayuri, the female samurai…ah Sayuri, I need to rule 34 you.
I haven’t played a game system since Super Nintendo. So I have no idea what you are talking about.
Totally, I miss that aspect of Nintendo. First it was hyper novel and new, second the games were incredibly hard to play, and third it was often rationed. When my parents let us play it, this was an event. In fact the majority of the Nintendo face time I got was at friends houses whose folks were more…relaxed.
Yeah, my friend had just got a SNES at his place and we all thought it was the bomb, but the parents used to make us play outside after an hour or so. I used to think, “why the fuck would we wanna play outside for?” but I never had the balls to say it. I would jump on their trampoline for about one hour, bored as shit, busting to get back inside and play again, hoping that no one had pulled the plug out as we had it on pause.
Of course I could always go home and play games as much as I wanted, but my Sega Master System was never really the same again after I had played the SNES.
Yeah, I had some Epic bloody pauses before. I remember sneaking down to the living room at like, 3AM to see if it had “Held the pause since lunch?!?!?!” or whatever.
Your 7 Brutal Realities sticks in my mind. I will read them again. And again.
Cheers man. Hope you don’t have to deal with that.
Congrats on your 300th post! I thought the part about Japanese Sex Things was right on, especially when you brought up the search terms. My blog on here is only a month old, but my most popular post is about the Banana Show in Okinawa. At least one user found it with the term “old lady vagina.”
It happens man. Sex sells! Thanks for the Comment.
Dammit, there goes my morning! Congrats on the milestone guys – never a dull moment! “”Your first mistake was bringing your arms to a bone snapping contest.” is probably about the best description of SS I have heard 🙂
Man you just made my day. I wrote that line, and I instantly loved it, made love to it and then looked to heaven. Thank evil magic SOMEONE recognized the pure amazingness of that line.
Glad I could be of assistance! It was LOL good, which is no small thing for me since I can be a miserable bastard at times 😛
I’m going out with friends, including yosomono today, and man I am pouring out some booze for you. Cheers.
Congrats on your 300th post! I love all the topics you write about; it shows a side of Japan I never realized was there. Looking forward to the next 300!
Awesome man. thanks. We have a lot of cool stuff coming…hopefully.
Congratulations good sirs. Three hundred posts!?! (whistles in wonder) I suppose you could call it your tricentennial?
Regarding number seven, it’s good to know my friend and I aren’t the only ones who advocate going “chimpanzee style” on someone to prove a point. GO FOR THE SOFT TISSUE! PRIMAL RAGE, BABY!
And I couldn’t agree more with your views concerning number four. “The Pussification of America: A Neverending Story(TM).” You could blame it partly on the rise of nerd culture since the only action movies studios seem to release these days are CG-heavy comic book movies, as you said. Not every hero has to be soaked in gamma radiation or touched by an alien god to kick some serious ass. Neither does he have to be a brooding, effeminate, oversensitive douche-nozzle with trust and intimacy issues. Here’s hoping “Act of Valor” (with real Navy SEALS!?!), “The Expendables 2”, and the next James Bond film are worth the price of admission.
Keep on truckin’ fellas.
Any comment that utilizes poetic vocabulary such as “douche-nozzle” receives the GJS 2 thumbs up.
In regards to comic adaptations, well shit, I’m busted. I am a total nerd. But I don’t think that’s bad. In fact, I have met a lot of closet case nerds who are professional prize fighters, special ops warriors and just general tough guys. That having been said Green Lantern has always been gay. I think that’s in his contract.
They really raped the old useless maid with that Punisher remake. It was horrific.
Yeah I will hold my breath for Expendables 2. Rambo 5 was good. I thought so anyway…
And finally yes, we will keep on keepin on. Big articles coming so do stay tuned.
Drivin trucks and Breakin Arms….GJS Over and Out
Thank you, but I can’t take credit for the phrase “douche-nozzle”. That bit of poetry is from the inimitable comedian Patton Oswalt, who could be described as a mega-nerd. . .
Just to be clear I’m not condemning nerd culture or anyone who self-identifies as a nerd. I identify myself as one, as a matter of fact: one of the worst kind, a bookworm and an animation aficionado (DO NOT CALL THEM CARTOONS!). And you’re right: one of the meanest, nastiest white boys I ever met was a closeted Simpsons and South Park fanatic. I think everybody has at least one interest that could be classified as “nerdy”. Or is it simply boundless enthusiasm for a single esoteric subject that is “nerdy”?
I actually think that the mainstreaming of nerds may help society, since tolerance of others eccentricities, skepticism of what is presented to you, intense passion for your interests, and a belief in the power of science are supposedly core nerd values. Goddamn I don’t like getting bogged down in definitions, or speaking in generalities like that, but I hope the point is clear, and isn’t too self-aggrandizing I.E. trying to put nerds on a pedestal.
Great minds think alike, brother. How the hell are they 0-3 on Punisher movies!?! He is a merging of three things that are known box office winners: traditional, muscles-and-bullets action hero, comic books, and revenge fantasies? Hell, he’s Jason Bourne, Batman, and Liam Neeson in “Taken” all rolled into one! How does that not work out to at least one decent film! Sorry, but the Punisher is my favorite comic book hero and it’s painful to see him get short shrift when his character and story, while simplistic I’ll admit, could make for great popcorn entertainment.
Frank Castle deserves a shit load more respect than Hollywood is giving him. He is a former Marine after all.
Someplace, buried somewhere still in plastic with cardboard backings, I have tons of Punisher comics. Punisher War Journal. Punisher Armory. Literally hundreds.
Typical propaganda from our American overlords!
You misspelled “propaganda”…it’s F-R-E-E-D-O-M. Trust me, I know, we invented it.
You want more awesome… of course you do. Well go to Urbandictionary.com and first type in “Mung” and sit in awe, then “Jenkem”. Mix some Jenkem with Mung burgers and you get one hell of a barbeque.