“Dude…Japan is a strange place. Women buy you jewelry and shit.”
A friend of mine told me this before I first visited Japan in 2003.
Now it is 2009 and I have lived here almost 6 years. One would think that I would “get used to it” or I’d “adjust” I would “acclimatize to my new environment”, but nope, I haven’t.
The amount of strange, bizarre and unexplainable things that I have either been witness to or have been a part of would be a long list indeed, but today I feel as though I can’t hold it in; I forever feel like I’m a character in a Gasper Noe movie
Gay guy feels me up
I was on a train, Marunouchi line on a Tuesday or maybe a Monday and it was late but not busy. The door opened and this big guy is getting on and he stares right at me. He Mad dogs me. I’m thinking “I don’t need this.” I’m thinking, “Come on man, we have to knuckle up on the train? I skipped lunch.” So, he turns to face away from me and despite being on a train with a lot of room, I mean a lot, seats and everything, he stands close enough to me so that when he started rubbing my crotch with the back of his hand it must have looked super natural to someone watching from someplace behind me on the train. I moved away thinking “he’s drunk” and he moved closer to me again. It then dawned on me, that this big fairy was trying to molest me in the 6 car on the Marunouchi line at 9 o’clock on a Monday. At that moment I had a glimpse of why Japanese women, infamously, sit silent when they are groped on trains. It was pretty ridiculous. I ate Gorgonzola pizza later that night.
Dorks on Granny Bikes
Recently more and more people seem to be really into this “trend”, I hate the word “trend”, when I was in high school nothing could be worse to me than someone saying I was “trendy” and apparently this has stuck because Japan’s obsession with “trendiness” irritates the hell out of me. It’s like nails on a chalk board. It’s like another “Sex and the City” movie. So the new trend of “cool” fixed gear racing style bikes that is taking Tokyo by storm much like snowboarding 4 or 5 years ago and much like tennis before that and much like those skirts with that pattern I hated and much like the etc, etc, etc. This new bike trend cuts down on something I always loved seeing due to the sheer absurdity of it and this thing was…impeccably dressed, “hip”, “sleek,” “outfitted” young business men in Hermes or Armani and with Gucci brief cases and Prada rain coats speeding around the greater Tokyo area on their old rusty, solid steel grandma bicycles complete with a bitch basket in the front. What’s the point of getting dressed at all? Those cool points you were striving for, well guess what? They are long gone. You lost them the moment you even considered THAT form of transportation.
Japanese guy wants to be a Cuckold
There have been a couple of times over the years during which I have been legally homeless. I lived in a stolen SUV for a month in Palm Springs California. A while back I shop-lifted my groceries for two weeks. So during one of these economic dry spells when I was waiting for a train to come in October sort of near the time that official member of “GAY POWER” tried to feel me up, but not the same time or anything, this funny outgoing fella started talking to me on the train platform. He was ok I guess and in the end he chatted me up for 3 or 4 stations then finally gave me his phone number explaining that his wife, Japanese, really wanted to talk to foreigners and she would make dinner, a big dinner, if I would come over to their place in Shin Okubo near Shinjuku the next day. It was clear that something was rotten in Denmark yes, but like I said the grocery situation was not so hot and one can only eat so much cup noodle and canned tuna before jumping out of a beckoning 5th story window.
And I…
…took him up on the offer. Nice place they had in Shin Okubo and she could cook. Lots of dishes including Gyoza and Sushi and some yakitori and a load of beer and then good shochu. So, we all drink a lot and I was doing my pretty decent “amiable foreigner” act so damn well I should have gotten a Nobel peace prize for cultural outreach or something and then his wife, who clearly was having the time of her life and, why shouldn’t she be, sort of slumped over on the table and fell sleeping. The guy was so nonchalant and says she always drinks a lot, so he lays her on the floor, we were all sitting around a low table on the floor. Then he’s asking me if I like Japanese women and do I like his wife? I told him she was very kind and the food was great. Do I think she’s cute he’s asking and I’m not sure where to go with this so I say yes and then he tells me he knows American men like big “hips” so he proceeds to pull up his wife’s skirt, flip her over and show me her ass, which was big, in a good way. He even did that thing the guys do in Japanese porno where he grabs her panties and pulls them up giving her a fantastic wedgy. Needless to say, I was impressed by that. Needless to say, I was freaked out, or thought I should be, by that. Then he spent 45 minutes trying to convince me to copulate with his wife while she was passed out and he would video tape it. Straight cuckold life, these two. I declined. He insisted she wanted it and this was the whole point tonight. I declined despite the treacherous erection I now felt pulsing inside my jeans because hey, this was all pretty hot despite the titanium bonds of Judeo-Christian morality that clung to me like those alien ghosts the Scientology crowd are always gabbing about. He offered to pay me: 20,000 yen. I declined. It took me awhile but I finally got out of the house. I never heard from them again. I had a bout of somewhat fierce masturbation, and its subsequent phase of REGRETFULNESS, when I got home. Those gyoza were money. This happened again a few years later with a totally different couple.
Outcome: Different.
Gaijinass 
It then dawned on me that this big faggot was trying to molest me in the 6 car on the Marunouchi line
Are you sure you weren’t asking for it? LOL, that’s too funny.
I use the term “big faggot” in the the most endearing way I promise. And who knows..maybe your right….maybe I should stop wearing assless chaps on my way to work at the gay sento.
Wow dude. Just…wow.
You should have negotiated with the villager who wanted you to nail his wife. “Ok, I’ll do it, but no video…”
Write more of these.
I love the “I ate pizza later that night” part….that’s classic! So irrelevant it’s relevant LOL
LOCO! Thanks for dropping by. and hey…pizza is NEVER irrelevant.
Salary men in full suits drinking shochu with the homeless jijis outside of the train station is always good times. At least they remember to take off their fine Italian loafers before getting on the card board boxes.
Or in parks, or just outside the pay parks as well. Good times are had by all. All you need is a bag full of one cups.
This article made me Laugh out Loud several times. Good job. It’s also dawned on me that you seem like you’d be a cool person to hang out with once I come to Tokyo
I am a man that knows the highways and by-ways. Hit me up when you get to TK.
Gotta love foreign cultures, but the Japanese have that extra special something, a wickedly torqued twist on things that, if you have an open mind, and they’re not hurting anyone (except themselves), makes me say most of these guys are OK! Now the train surreptitious scrotum scratcher…
I have been all over the place a few times, I’ve even had mexican food at a Chinese grocery in Cleavland, but no place has left my mind as pants shittily twisted with clinical dislogic as Japan. Hence my love for the place.
Americans are too obsessed with looking cool and being hyper masculine.
In Japan and much of eastern Asia, practicality is valued above vanity.
Lol, like cuckolding is ‘practical’. Japan is just weird as fuck.