TweetThe end of the Japanese school year and things were made clear:
Make the Exam so damn easy a blind monkey with an eye patch, wearing a beret spitting Beech Nut could pass it…OR ELSE.

I sit down and I brainstorm on how to make this happen. I go ahead and make a review sheet. On this sheet, it’s all there. A series of simple exercises we will all do together in class which will ENSURE that everyone can get a perfect test score.


The following does dawn on me though: When I was in school I am fairly certain some desperate, near insane educator ( a real one, not someone using the “job” for the massive amount of paid vacation time in order to enjoy all his hobbies and essentially stay on summer vacation for the last 6 year’s) tried this trick on me.
I should remind you that I was not a very motivated pupil. I wrote my final paper my junior year, a five paragraph essay about Morality based on “The Punisher: War Journal.”

My point is that I know how little some students care.  I also know, however, that they only need 31 damn percent to PASS. COME ON!

So, after I made the review sheet and did it in class, I then decided to make the exams even easier.  Like buying meth from an Asian kid in Irvine easy.  Although the title on the exam said “2nd Grade English Writing” I am here to tell the world that in fact, there was very little writing being done. Multiple choice was the order of the day.  I suppose they had to write their names in English, but several students opted out of that and used Japanese and one didn’t write anything at all.

Now, before you look at the following, keep in mind, every question, EVERY SINGLE ONE, was on the review sheet.  We went over it in class. I walked around the class room mumbling “perfect test chance….perfect test chance”.  Students were giving me weird looks and one girl, concerned, asked me “Are you…OK?” Baby doll, I am…just forget it.  ….well….just read on.

Question 1.

What is the Definition of “New Year’s Resolution?” Circle one.


A. Plan a Trip to Europe for Shopping!
B. Plan to Change something about your life in the New Year.
C. Become a World Leader.
D. Build a Killer robot.

And yes….6 people chose “D, Build a Killer Robot”.  About 14 people choose “A, Trip to Europe for shopping!” and one girl even drew a smiling face on the Test Paper next to that answer…this was almost too much and I nearly stapled my tongue to my chin. I bought a coffee instead.

Obviously some people got it right and this was interesting. The students who got the answer on this one right, most of them aced the whole exam.  So that means they listened during the review and spent 10 minutes on the bus before school reviewing. Wow. I’m depressed, oops, I mean impressed.  I cannot bring myself to be too down on anyone though, as I remember my feats of academic excellence VERY clearly.  What I feel now is more pity, not for the students, but for my old teachers.  Jesus, God only knows what Ms. Kinard, my 10th grade English lit teacher thought when she saw me roll into class everyday.  I wonder if she had a cyanide capsule in a ring ready for the swallowing or if she was just going to eat a bullet when the time came. She had a full size, floor to ceiling promotional poster from the movie The Last of the Mohicans
on her room wall, and I can remember her sighing, oh yes more than once, and gazing over at Daniel Day-Lewis, tomahawk in hand.  Then there was me, looking like a extra from UHF smelling as though I just lost an impromptu enema contest.

I don’t really think of myself as a “TEACHER” per se but more of a consultant, so my heart goes out to the REAL, FULLTIME teachers, here and in the USA.  God Bless you people because you are doing a job I simply would not wish on a broke dick dog.  Keep up the good work.

If you like this then, you should check more from the “Japan ain’t so fucked up” series:

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Keeping Bathroom money Paying the Bribe in Japan Dudes on the Corner Hosts in Japan Making Friends
in Japan