I have to get up stupid early in order to go to work.

I get a train from my station at 0602 in order to get to Shinjuku and catch the Chuo rapid headed toward Kabe at 0633. Normally it is mildly crowded, all seats are taken, and some people are left standing. One thing that is constant however is the stone cold silence and in the early morning I am pretty certain this is something we all appreciate.

This morning however this was stolen away….I saw the culprits reach the platform almost as the train was pulling in. They went from line to line until for whatever horrid reason they stopped behind me giggling and jabbering away like school girls on crank. Two then dashed over to the Kiosk and bought “Calpis”, whatever the fuck that is, some kind of liquid in a bottle that frankly seems to have the consistency of ok…use your imagination: think “facial”, and dashed back just in the nick of time to board the train with yours truly.

I got on first and took a seat near the door. This is when I got my first good look at them. Four girls, all early twenties, 23 at most, and, had clearly been out all night and had spent that night drinking, alot. Cheaply dyed blond hair was badly frazzled and eyes were beat up and looked horribly tired. Makeup looked stale and old. Body language was slow, uncoordinated and messy and along with all of this traveled the smell of both Alcohol and something else…maybe it was Kimchi? Fried meat? Someone stepped in shit? I had no idea and I still am clueless.

Two of them plopped down on the bench next to me and the other two stumbled, then teeter tottered until they fell down onto the bench across from me. It was quite a site to behold. The train car was now full and everyone was quiet like corpses except for these four clucking and sputtering and talking like four Yakuza guys playing cards. If you have been in Japan for a while you would know what I mean. Lots of “Omae”s and “Maji Suge”s and “Fuzakena”s etc. All the while laughing it up because clearly, this was high comedy. Oddly, nobody else seemed to “get” the joke.

The girl across from me, both of them actually were dressed very similar. Both were petite and wearing heels, black tights with booty short jean cut offs over them and equally colorful and silly tops, one of them sporting a jacket that I initially thought to be a life preserver and the other wearing mid drift tan leather that could or could not be a “coat”. I think I saw a character wearing something like it in “Mad Max: Beyond thunder Dome”. High Fashion.

Both of them sat with their legs fully sprawled out and open and were gesticulating wildly recapping an event with another friend who apparently, became so drunk she passed out in a pool of her own urine, face first, after she urinated on the street, in Shibuya. Fascinating.
I was thinking “High class”.
I was thinking “My type”.
The older people on the train took turns, as if they had all worked out a schedule, giving these girls looks so full of disdain I actually checked my tie and sat up straight, my close proximity to these four putting me in the line of fire.

At Nakano station a man sitting next to the one across from me got up and de-boarded and the girl then took this opportunity to pass out and she fully did this, collapsing across the briefly open seat in dramatic, face first fashion. The old woman who had been making her move on the seat stopped in mid stride and simply did an about face and strode off. Clearly she was impressed with these examples of Japanese youth.

The three girls that were still conscious then began taking photos of the girl lying prostrate on the bench, first of her face, then taking photos of her whole profile, then the girl next to her, I swear to god: started taking photos of her crotch which was turned up facing her as she was laying on her side (not a bad back side if I might put forth this observation but…anyway). Thank god the girl, her friend, had jean shorts on. Then one of the friends on my side tossed her a “Calpis” bottle, about the size of a 20 ounce coke bottle and the one taking the crotch shots began pushing it against the girls jeans (vaginal region here folks) and they all were cackling uncontrollably and one of them was taking video with her phone and the one doing the dry humping with a bottle said in a great mockery of a dirty old man voice “Dou da? Koko ga? Kimochi desyou?” or “Hows this baby? You like it here? Feels good right?”
And at this point I finally lost my shit and began laughing.

I really tried not to but come on…this was getting way out of hand. My snicker apparently spurred the closet case Lesbo on because she got more animated, for about 30 seconds (god knows what she had planned next..sure…I was/am curious), until the passed out friend suddenly came to life covering her mouth and gesturing wildly. A friend lurched across the car and pushed a plastic bag, likely the one the “calpis” came in into her hands just in time for her to launch a very impressive flow of vomit into the bag. Not once, not twice…but three solid purging’s. Well Done.


Despite what I can only describe as a heavy feeling of total and intense loathing coming from everyone, even me as the vomit smell wasn’t working for me at 0700, they stayed in their seats and got off the train one at a time as various stations came up. By the time my station arrived, the only one left was Puke bag girl, her eyes half open, her head leaning against the side board of the bench, drool leaking from her mouth like some ominous icicle and vomit on her black life preserver coat, her legs hanging as wide open as physically possible in that posture, her bag of goodies had been tied to her wrist by I’m guessing, her friend. Her friends had totally left her to “make it home safe and sound”.
With friends like….right?

I am not here to judge. God knows I have done or been witness to some of us (gaijin) doing some pretty stupid, vapid and just ignorant shit over the years….but come on….On Thursday morning????

Part of me still hopes she got home, wherever in hell that is, ok.