I spent from about 6PM till midnight watching K-1 Dynamite, the big Kickboxing and mixed martial art’s event on TV on the 31st.   This has become a New Year’s tradition for me in Japan.  When I first came to Japan in 2003 for vacation and training, I was lucky enough to get tickets to the PRIDE fighting Championship event at Saitama Super arena, a memorable experience.  These day’s however, if the venue is big, I prefer to watch it on television.

Anyway….at 1230…the madness began.

I was drinking a good bit so, I was rather lit, however I will try and recount the insanity that was Japanese Television that night.

First show

As far as I can tell….four comedians agreed to do some kind of wandering game show.  They were dressed up in bell hop outfits and they met their liason for the event, a fat, ugly cross dresser.

The rules were simple. These four guys would have to perform a series of tasks etc, working as bell hops at the “Princess Hotel” and during all this they were not allowed to laugh.  If they did, they would be punished. The punishment was in the form of a smack on the ass with a black wiffle ball bat, administered by a gimp, clad entirely from head to toe, in black latex.

When caught laughing, and intercom or speaker depending on where they were would sound who was “out” and then one, two, three or four latex glad gimps would come sprinting out of no where, bend the guys over and smack them in the ass. This having been accomplished, the gimps would sprint away.

I swear to god, I am not making this up.

So they are on a bus going to the hotel and at various stations it stops, and people get on or off.  The comedians must stay in their seats, and they can’t smile and laugh. When they do…thats right…Gimp time.

At one stop, an old man, I mean old, like dusty old and crippled, gets on the bus and stands right in front of these guys, ignoring the open seats just behind him.  He is barely able to stand.  Then, this big Yakuza looking fella boards the bus, he starts yelling at the comedians for not giving up their seats to the old man, despite several of the other seats being open.  The yakuza guy then picks one of the comedians up, yells at him, then smacks him hard in the face, knocking him over.  Some of the other guys laugh, so here come the gimps with the wiffle ball bats.

The Yakuza guy takes the old man off the bus, and hugs him on the side of the road as the bus drives away.

Next stop, I shit you not, a SWAT team gets on the bus and the officer in charge is this grossly obese tranny, in full tactical black swat gear.  Long story short, He/She/It starts trying to molest and flirt with the comedians.  picking them up and rubbing them and trying to kiss them.  Suddenly, some guy on the bus jumps off and tries to run away dashing across a field.  The fat gross SWAT tranny, pulls out a rocket launcher and shoots at the guy, who of course, explodes into pieces.  Then, the SWAT team gets of the bus, and the tranny Captain blows kiss’ at the comedians as they pull away.

ok…at this point, I was fairly sure I had lost my fucking mind.  So I changed the channel.

SECOND SHOW

This was more straight forward, but no less FUCKED.

So, there are 5 famous fat girls in a line.  I mean TV celebrities here in Japan, all of them plump to fat and all of them dressed in highschool PT outfits. Red shorts and white t-shirts.  In front of them is a large mat, about 10 meters long, in the center of it is a small podium with a red heart-shaped balloon on it.

This was a variety show, so there were all sort’s of TV personalities there, and standing behind each chubby girl is a man with a big stick, attached to the end of each is a pair of panty hose.  Then, the fat girls had to pull the open end of the panty hose over their faces, distorting them horribly and making them all look like fat, horribly deformed pigs.

But this, this is when it gets really strange…the judge for the upcoming “event” is dressed to the hilt like a sumo judge, the guys that run around the sumo circle dressed like Wizards. Well this guy using a ladle, pours oil all over the matted area.  Then he explains that the fatties have to try to race to the podium and grab the heart-shaped balloon.

I sat there, my face numb, a beer held in my hand at an odd angle, reality seeming no longer something that could be understood and I watched this all transpire, my sanity slipping away, actually large junks of it breaking off like parts of an iceberg. Just floating away from me.

When the judge said “GO” all the fatties vaulted forward, only for all 5 of their heads to snap back at the neck due to the panty hose connected to poles, and the men holding the poles pulling hard to yank them back.

One very big girl pulled ahead a bit, but another girl who had fallen down reached up, and grabbed the other girls shorts, pulling those, along with her panties completely down, thus causing the big girl to fall to her knees as well.  This however, did not stop her and she slipped around on all fours, her ass and genitals exposed to the crowd behind her as she futiley tried to claw her way forward, the effort causing her t-shirt to ride up, and her gut to hang low, out in the open.

Jesus H. Christ.

Next to her, another plumper was clawing along, the cruel sadist holding her pole yanking hard on it causing the girls head to snap back violently over and over.  But the Sumo wizard judge got down on all fours behind the girl, who was now low crawling on her belly, the oil making normal movement impossible, and he put his hands directly on the girls broad backside, his face, his NOSE literally buried in her ass and crotch from behind and began pushing her to drive on toward the treasure on the podium. The whole time he would pop his head up off and on making gesture to refer to the bad smell in the girls shorts.  This brought raccous applause from the studio audience.

I have never seen anything that disturbing yet satisfying before, in my life.  It was like Double Dare from HELL.  These are all “respected” Japanese TV celebrities. This was on normal network TV.

The lesson here:  Do not be the fat kid, not in Japan.

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