Ninja, Futuristic Robot Warrior, ET, a Green Beret and a Ranger.
These are all Halloween costumes I can remember wearing at some point.
I hated the ET costume. My mother got it from some other woman and it’s emasculating effects were dazzling. I felt like a little Halloween homo stuffed in that hot sack of humiliation. I won the best costume award at some event and other mothers took photos of me. Other children whispered filthy insults and pointed at me. Others gnashed teeth. The jealousy and politics surrounding best costume awards among eight year old children is pretty impressive.
The futuristic robot warrior was a costume from, oh Jesus, France. It sure looked like it too and by that I mean it looked like something you might see in a gay pride parade on some tranny, rapidly OD’ing on the dubious combination of poppers and mescaline. I sure thought that costume was hot shit, though. Oh boy, did I. In fact, I tried it on multiple times and went prancing around the room I shared with my little brother. Anyway, half way through the evening while trick-or-treating the elastic band on the flamboyantly colored mask snapped and after several failed attempts to re-tie it I just said “Fuck this French mask,” and continued on, noticeably receiving less candy than my peers from that point forward.
I hate the French. They continuously disappoint, as we have mentioned before.
Except for the cheese.
They make amazing cheese.
Later, as a teenager, I took responsibility for my own happiness and used Halloween as an occasion to throw raw eggs, and rocks, at people and steal candy from younger and easily manipulated pre-teens. I also made out with this girl named Lindsey on Halloween one time and I was just terrified our braces would get locked. I saw that on a show. It didn’t happen though.
Lindsey later told everyone we never kissed.
Duplicitous lying slut. Because we totally made out.
Another time, I lived in the desert. It was really hot all the time and there were rattle snakes and crazy desert hobos with HIV living all over the place. I spent that Halloween cleaning a bunch of disgusting toilets.
Thanks Marine Corps. I could have been in Palm Springs getting my drinks spiked by overly muscular homos and waking up with strange wads of cash in my pockets. But no…
…in the end I have spent Halloween in various locations. Some better than others. But this year, something bizarre has occurred.
Japan, I applaud you.
This is not something I say often. Not these days, anyway. After eleven plus years in Tokyo my grain of salt is more like a brick and the never ending chopstick compliments have lost their luster.
The jade is strong with this one.
I sneer and sneer often. You know; I’ve written about it at length.
But right when I was getting ready to really huff and puff and blow Tokyo’s house down, it decide to fight back.
And it fought back with the sweet black magic of a Japanized Shibuya Halloween.
Much has been said in Japanese media over the last few days condemning, actually ravenously attacking, October 31st, 2015. The outcry from the stuffy, over 30 talento ilk has been angst-filled and the intensity of the GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU DAMN KIDS has been hilarious. TV personality after useless TV personality have made the same comments and these have been force fed to a population which lives and dies by the gospel they are injected with in mega daily doses via mind numbing “Variety shows.”
These kids are out of control!
These people don’t have any idea about the origin or meaning of Halloween!
They are just going wild!
It’s all just nonsense! Nonsense I tell you! Nonsense grrrrrrrr!
Get off my fucking lawn you damn kids!
First of all, the powers that be in Japan couldn’t give a sloppy wet donkey shit about the Japanese people “understanding the origins” of any foreign custom or culture. Christmas in Japan is an absolute abortion. It’s so bad it sent me into a dark tail spin only to resurface three weeks into January sans long stretches of memory and with suspicious credit card debts and welts. Just like, welts. On my ass and inner thighs.
As a side note, if this is ringing any bells for you please message me privately because I would like to know.
Valentines in Japan has been carefully crafted to give zero fucks, about anything, and hence spawned another useless marketing demon in “White Day.”
Here, choke on these cheap cookies and die, whore. Now you know all about “White Day.”
Japanese English on shirts and in advertising and the never ending bastardization of western concepts goes on day to day completely unfettered while THE MAN keeps telling the Japanese how “difficult” English is yet how much they need it. Nobody here cares, at all, about how things are supposed to be.
So just like, spare me, man.
Secondly, these kids are not out of control. Rather, these kids were remarkably well behaved. Thousands and thousands of costume glad young drunks concentrated in a very small urban area and what happened in the end? Some people made out. Some people passed out. Some people fornicated and some people lost their ifucks. I saw some girl jerking a guy off next to the Stay-puff Marsh-mellow man. I saw a 20 year old sexy cop girl making out heavily with some guy wearing an “older English teacher” costume.
Imagine this any place else. I can do it easily.
This on the streets of London? Fires and pillage. This on the streets of Los Angeles? Riots and cops shooting people willy-nilly. This on the streets of New York? Murder and more riots.
The point is simple: with thousands of drunk youth all converging on one area, nothing really bad happened. In fact, something genuinely cool and legit occurred. Halloween night in Shibuya this year was just a huge unplanned costume party and THAT is what is pissing off the establishment so much. Nobody had control. That fact alone is enough to get the boss hogs in a sweat. Lots of people came out, got together and had a good time without anyone’s permission. After a million people protesting TPP in the streets went utterly ignored by the fascist Abe government, the disenfranchised decided to do what they felt like and just had fun on their own terms. Obviously, the establishment isn’t keen on this.
But Gaijinass has a simple enough conclusion which he will now share.
Fuck Christmas illumination and giri-choco; Tokyo had a win on October 31st, 2015.