7 Terrifically Bad movies and the Genres to Match 2
4. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (Genre: Pro-Choice)
That’s a lot of crushed ass throats Sensei. Arigatou Gozaimasu.
A group of smart-talking toddlers find themselves at the center of a media mogul’s experiment to crack the code to baby talk. The toddlers must race against time for the sake of babies everywhere.
This movie made me do two things simultaneously. One- I puked into my mouth and Two- I cursed the gods above.
This “movie” is nothing more than a fucking train wreck of the sensibilities and everyone died. Everyone.
Jon Voight…Jesus man. How far can you possibly fall? Voight is now officially the Nicolas Cage of old people, and the two of them are in a running for most depressing acting career implosion in the universe.
Voight actually went on Kilborn to PROMOTE this nightmare on-screen. The angels are weeping Mr. Voight, I weep alongside them.
Review comments from the web, mostly written by mothers that were forced into viewing this abomination at the theater due to screaming children, say it so, so well. Read their pain….
-Never have I wanted so badly to dig my eyes out with a spoon.-
– I went out to get candy, to go to the bathroom, to wipe the floor, to scratch the walls… Anything to get away from that God awful movie…-
-At the screening I attended no less than 12,of the families attending walked out a third of the way through leaving 5, brave families in the theatre .And there was no laughter even from the kids .-
-Sadly it was so wonderfully terrible that it went past the funny stage into pure hell. –
– I would rather eat a bucket of glass than watch this movie again.-
-This film is full of awful one liners and the script makes Power Rangers look like Pulp Fiction.-
Sounds like a big group of satisfied customers to me.
Let’s see what the Master has to say about this well praised theatrical masterpiece.
Now, know their pain….
3. Star Quest: The Odyssey (Genre: Bottom dollar Sci-fi rip offs)
In Aikido they call this move Iriminage. I’m guessing that means “fucking throat crush”. Star Quest got NINE of these.
At the end of mankind’s greatest battle, empires will crumble, alliances will form, enemies will rise and heroes will fall. World’s will end, and a new journey will begin.
The above plot summary is the one given on IMDb and it’s vague enough to be Obama’s campaign slogan. So what really is the plot of “Star Quest: The Odyssey”?
The honest truth is I have no idea. I know that there are some people in it. I know that although this is one of, if not THE, most brazen Star Trek rip-off I have ever encountered, the entirety of the costumes and sets for the movie were all purchased at various garage sales in Tucson Arizona some afternoon for twenty bucks and a half eaten Subway club sandwich.
I know that the “actor” who plays the super dynamic character “Dertax” is lucky to still be alive. I’m certain intelligence agencies and terrorist cells world-wide would love to murder him. In fact, I am single-handedly blaming the current global economy on Aaron Ginn-Forsberg, that’s his name. Hunt him down, make him pay.
No real plot, a cast of about ten people and the worst sets I’ve seen since Vacation bible school in ’89 and our rendition of “Noah and the Ark”.
Only one man can save us now. One Law man.
We wish you all the luck in the world Sensei. The trailer below looks like an advertisement for a retirement home…in someones tool shed.
2. Brothers in Arms (Genre: Blacksploitation)
That’s TEN…yes TEN Aikido Death slams that the Master gives for this totally socially irresponsible piece of shit.
A band of disenfranchised blacks who have lost their land, possessions and loved ones to the evil ‘powers that be’ decide to take the law into their own hands and seek revenge against those responsible. Soon branded as outlaws with ‘dead or alive’ bounties on their heads they gallantly ride into Driscollville in search of redemption.
We all now that David Carradine – R.I.P.- killed himself, and now we know why.
“Brothers in Arms” was honestly going to be number one on this list, and it just barely missed obtaining that auspicious position.
Nothing in this movie makes any sense. Nothing. The plot is ridiculous. The characters are all horrific and transparent and the sets etc are pathetic.
I get it. “Lets make a cowboy movie but reverse all the normal conventions. The black guys will be the heroes. The women will be empowered and tough. The soundtrack will be hip etc. And hey, let’s get Carradine to be his character from “Kill Bill” because it worked in that movie.”
All reasonable ideas and it all fucking totally failed. This is easily the worst “Western” I have ever seen and that’s saying a hell of a lot. I watched “Wild Wild West” with the fresh prince of Belair and I nearly choked on my tears it was so bad. But I would happily sit through a 72 hour marathon of nothing but Will Smith wearing a cowboy hat while a Somalian pirate slaps his dick against my face before I ever watch “Brothers in Arms” again.
I’m ashamed to even ask Sensei what he has to say about all this.
1. Justin Bieber: Never say Never (Genre: Narcissistic mockumentary)
Well…you guys heard him. We went too far.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is the inspiring, entertaining and intimate look at the life and meteoric rise of pop phenomenon Justin Bieber. From small town boy to global super-star, Never Say Never follows Justin Bieber’s journey from his early years, to his rise from break-out internet sensation to global super-star, culminating with a sold-out show at the famed Madison Square Garden. More than just a concert, Never Say Never is a captivating, cinematic event featuring all-star musical talent including, Usher, Jaden Smith, Ludacris, and more!
Justin Bieber entertains me as much as penile colonies do, and by that I mean dick cancer and groin punch.
Every movie on this list is abyssal but Bieber’s documentary actually had me trying to order suicide supplies online, ten minutes into it. Watching this, him, and his legion of screaming tween fans made me long for the old days when you could kick kids in the face, stub out your cigarette on their cheek and people called it summer camp.
This video is nothing more than the most transparent attempt to milk a few more million dollars out a phenomenon that has a pretty clear expiration date on it. Everyone involved with this malfunction of reason and abandonment of justice is there simply for a pay-day that they should yes, all be ashamed of.
The only thing that gives me some piece are the words of a great man, Denis Leary. Referring to a boy band that polluted his reality he said “I have actually come to love Hanson, and I’ll tell you why. Because they are gonna crash and burn so hard it’s gonna be fucking great!”
I am praying and lighting little candles looking forward to the day when Bieber gets arrested while receiving oral sex from some filthy tranny in a public bathroom in Denver and if I’m truly lucky he will have just enough crank in his tattered windbreaker pocket to ensure that he does time. I can only wait for my sweet revenge and use the patience the Master, my spiritual guru , has taught me.
In closing, I recommend none of these movies to you, they are all horrific and you’re dying fast enough as it is. Don’t waste your time. I did it for you. Arm break.
Thanks Sensei. I’ll take your advice as I cannot bring myself to put a video of Justin Bieber on my site, I’ll finish up with a motivating video, the story of Steven Seagal.
Go Back to Part 1
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Great reviews. I’m trying to think of the name of a film that should be on that list but I’ve blanked out of my mind. Basic plot is girl band needs a lead singer, Can’t find one so use hologram instead, and naturally she develops human feelings. At one point I think she even merges with the (90s style) internet.
I have no idea what movie that is but it sounds appropriately horrid. If you find the title put it in the comments!
Sure you’re not thinking of S1m0ne with Al Pacino:
You terrify me with your depth of useless knowledge. No wonder we are partners in crime. Neck-Break.
I know this is wrong on many levels. What would Seagal-sensei make of such thinking:
Could Justin Bieber and Bae Yong-joon be related?
Bae Yong-joon could likely kick Biebers ass, however I would like to see Master Steven simultaneously neck-break Spine-rip both these sons of bitches live at some sold out booking.
Their fandom is perhaps something to fear. For merely a perceived slight, the mobs…no… the herds of screaming estrogen-gushing furies would have a fool such as I wishing that someone in the whorey masses would swiftly apply the mercy of a choke-hold.
Tweens infected with Bieber lust are formidable opponents. In that situation it’s time for zombie Apocalypse mode. Fully automatic weapons set to Burst, not single shot, large axes, grenades, A-team like re-enforced pick up trucks and jump spin hook kicks. Their’s no cure per se other than graduating junior high, and real penis, so you have two choices: 1. Run. 2. Kill ’em all. Mini-cannon.
I am both thoroughly impressed and completely repulsed at the fact that you watched Bieber. I want to hand you a purple heart …or give you a hug and a years worth of therapy. Bless you, brave man, for doing something I could never attempt. Live on and watch more horrible movies!!
Thank you for realizing the depths I descend to in order to bring you, the reader, this useless crap. Thank you.
In my personal opinion the first 3 movies: Bad un-porn handy cam shit, rollerblade hell and twin drug lord idiots with fat angels are far worst than any other former mentioend in this post! :D…but they are not good in any way!
What you didn´t know is that Carranie owed the producer (A.k.a any drug dealer mofo with some extra cash…and when I say extra cash I say 500 bucks that is the cost of the production of Brither is “crime”) a shit load of money in drugs and he only asked for him to be part of that movie in order to score the debt…
OH and I bet Sensei Segal has a “bone cracking” sound gadget in his writs, it works like a clicker, isntead of counting, it just makes an automatick bone cracking sound with every move he makes…he walks BOOM bone cracking sound…thats why he doesn´t move much during productions! HAHAHA
I have to disagree. At least there is an element of ODDITY in Roller Blade Seven and Evil Behind You that gives some respite while one parades through those halls of shattered dreams. Brothers in Arms and that Bieber Prison Rape of your soul are SO predictable, SO horribly cliche that NOTHING is left to guess at. One already knows what is coming thirty minutes before hand and you know it’s going to be worse than ocular bleeding but you have no choice, you have committed to the viewing. This makes them much, much worse.
Although I haven’t spoken to him in years, I doubt Master Seagal would be too terribly happy with this article.
Even though you clearly worked with him while rating the movies, and he gave you some very interesting quotes to use afterward, you have clearly no knowledge of the arts of Aikido, Ninjitsu, Karate or Boxing.
How could you ever think that Iriminage means “fucking throat crush”?!?!?!?!
You sound like a moron child that ate too much sugar in his coco milk.
I beg of you….please….refrain from using words and terms from the honorable Japanese language if you have no idea what in Xeecheenins name you are babbling about.
Peace. Harmony. Justice.
Oh great…a troll. And what is more amusing…a troll that does not understand sarcasm and as many douche bags has a clearly overrated opinion of the word honorable.
Why in the name of the 7 circles of hell you end up signing Peace.Harmony. Justice when you are clearly violating the first, interrupting the second and thinking that is defending the last…SAD
I am not here to argue with a child.
I am here only to advise respect and harmony with others unless you want to die face down in your chilli at a family BBQ or something.
Steven Seagal is an Aikido MASTER. Please read that once again, a MASTER.
Mocking his death grip, Arm Break and/or Choke hold abilities is tantamount to treason in Japanese Aikido circles.
That is all.
The white crane spreads it’s wings,
Gabe, can I call you Gabe?
Take it easy buddy.
The fact that we used Seagal and his global one man war on bones as our point system was more props to him than anything else. I grew up on Seagal flicks so I’m sitting on his side of the bleachers for sure.
This whole article was hilarious. It’s mos def on par with the stuff at Cracked but Cracked has a bit ‘meh’ lately.
Keep up the great work!!!
I concur! Cracked as of late…so-so….except for anything with our names on it of course, those are perfect. Yeah they are anal retentive over there. Thanks for the comment, you keep giving us those and we will keep posting rambling nonsense.