I am done kids.
The gym successfully brought the pain today. It was helped in large part to me deciding that I would be “rambunctious” and post a wager on facebook asking people who thought they could lose the most weight in a month to get ready for the summer/the beach/etc and, obviously I have every intention of winning this bet.

I have a real problem with gambling and thats why, by and large, that (gambling) and recreational drug use are pretty much the only two vices ever created by man-kind that I don’t whole heartedly love. I mean, by this point, it’s universally understood that I love stealing, can consume on a daily basis enough alcohol to kill a hippopotamus, have a habit of binge eating to the point of paralysis and engage in compulsive masturbation triggered by the most unorthodox things, sometimes, I don’t even know why I have a boner- I simply DO. I also have what I would regard in another person as poor hygiene, what can be considered at best an eclectic fashion sense, I’m selfish, rude, I cuss like a sailor, or even worse a Marine, and, according to a Doctor friend of mine, I’m a clinical narcissistic sociopath.  What a catch right?

All that having been said, I dislike Gambling. The big issue is not a moral one because, there is nothing even remotely morally wrong with Gambling (or prostitution), I just lose my shit and flip out if things don’t go my way. I grind my teeth, sweat, curse the world and eventually start dreaming, fantasizing of really exotic ways to mutilate whoever STOLE my money and, for this reason, I don’t Gamble.

This is why it is imperative that I WIN this stupid weight loss wager. If I don’t, I’ll have to go super sonic Jihad and light everyone on fire then karate chop an orphanage full of blind poor kids in the face. Since these are all my friends (not the orphans, but I feel bad for them), I guess that isn’t the best way to do things, so, I must win.

Win win win.

Now today I have nothing important to write about so I am just going to briefly, without frills or back story or excessive nonsense bring to light, to you, the reader, some things that I think we all just need to SAY NO TO.

Robot weddings
I’m not talking about two robots trying to get married or whatever, although I’m certain that before the end of my time comes, that will be an actual legitimate problem and I am waiting terrified, for when that day comes and I have to hear an actual person say “But, Robots have rights too!”. Jesus.
No I’m talking about ROBOT PRIESTS actually wedding two people. Really, seriously, it already happened. And can you guess where??

BINGO!

The home of Rapelay the video game.

Right here in Japan.

The four-foot tall wedding-machine, called the I-Fairy, takes the form of a seated, vaguely feminine humanoid sporting a head adorned with flowers. In spite of being made of metal and plastic, the overall effect is closer to Hello Kitty than The Terminator

…..JUST SAY NO.

Why should we say no to this, aside from it being FUCKING DUMB?
The simple and inevitable progression is as follows:

The year is 2125 and I’m Dead. I died from liver failure or I got shot or hit by a flying bus or I have been eaten by a vengeful unicorn, whatever, I’m dead. My body is in a good ole fashioned pine box and my spirit is hovering over the grave, lots of people will be there to say goodbye, lots of hot hot women who are weeping at the loss of such a strapping Alpha male…anyway….Guns N roses “November Rain” is playing over the sound system, something I have written in a will someplace, seriously, and just as the song is coming to the moment in the live performance they did for the MTV video music awards where Slash walks up on the grand Piano and rips a mega awesome guitar solo, here it comes, rolling across the grass of the Cemetery, R2D2 and right behind him is C3PO to say some words over my eternal resting place because now, these two are ordained ministers.

No thanks.

If any of you let that transpire, I will haunt you so bad, I swear to god, it’ll make “Paranormal Activity” look like well, something un-scary.

JUST SAY NO.

Teenage girls touching me
I know I know, initially based on common sense this is clearly a JUST SAY YES situation, but read on for clarification.
In my new school, for whatever reason, there are some girls that are hell bent on touching my body.
Yes, this is as pleasing as it sounds.
However there is a catch or two.
First, I am supposedly a teacher SO, it doesn’t look too good if I’m standing there while some girl puts her hands all over me, or better yet/worse yet, if two girls are doing it. I understand that they are just curious about me because….um….I guess they have never seen a man before? I don’t know. The “They’re just curious” excuse frankly has lost its fire and I sort of think that it’s bullshit. 6 year old kids out in the country side that have literally never seen a non-Japanese before and who are curious about a variety of mundane crap including book cases, watermelons, cats and baking soda, sure, they are “curious”.  17 year old girls living in the heart of Tokyo….hmmm… Their curious all right, but I don’t think their curious in the way those teachers are insinuating.
Anyway, it looks bad so I have to dodge, roll, pivot, block and stay mobile, cant have the girlies rubbing me and the principal walks by.
The next issue is a little more tricky and much more dynamic. When a pretty 17 year old girl in a short skirt with legs that go from here till tomorrow is standing in front of you smiling, positively beaming, staring straight in your eyes and putting her hands on your chest, arms, grabbing your thighs, well….Erections are a very real and serious concern. And, in case you don’t know, slacks for summer suits were not made with any options to assist in hiding a rock hard, raging love pump.

JUST SAY NO.

Because prison is something I can actually do without.

Fat Drug dealers in Shinjuku
Keep this one short.
When you are enjoying the sun, sitting at the tables outside near Barneys New York in Shinjuku on an afternoon, maybe a Sunday, and have a German beer to sip and are listening to your ipod and a fat half Japanese half American 48 year old drug dealer sipping a Chuhai that looks like he bought it in 97 and just refills the can with Vodka every morning at 1100 when he wakes up next to another phillipino prostitute comes up and sits next to you, JUST SAY NO.
Do not engage him in conversation.
Do no t give him any contact info, in fact, give him a fake name.
Do not try to just be cool and have a friendly chat because when you tell him your not interested in buying, right at the moment, some Quaaludes from him, he will get really upset.

JUST say NO. Get up, lie, say your late for an STD test and your doctor said things “are pretty serious…yep…pretty bad actually” and then get away.

Thats it for today.

Heed my warnings.
Learn from my mistakes.
Asta La Vista.

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