The Freaks of EdenFollow @gaijinass
Guest post by: Yuki
“It’s really something that fucks you up. You know?”
“It really does.”
“I don’t know.” I just mumbled and lit another cigarette and looked at him. He was staring at me, in his room. Barren room. Tatami mats placed side by side, oddly clean. A futon we sat on. The wall behind us painted blood red and a single light, up in the corner of the room that pointed up to the ceiling made everything feel like we were underwater.
He just stared at me. I looked at his face and eyes and his arms which were still a bit sweaty from the sex we just had and he wanted to hear this. I think men always want to hear it and sometimes I tell them.
“ I was eight. I remember I was eight cause see, well, me dad had died just before. He killed himself. Years later see, me mum told me that he had borrowed all this money from people to try and keep his company up when the economy went so bad. He had borrowed all this money because he had workers right? He was responsible. He had borrowed all this money to try and save people.”
He stared. He demanded more.
I lit another cigarette. I was naked on the futon and very aware of it. Everything was becoming naked. It was really windy outside his flat.
“So he killed himself. He got insurance and killed himself one morning. He just walked off the train platform right when the express was pulling in and then he disappeared.
Because of holes in his insurance contract, the money never came threw though and…we lost just almost everything. Mum, she had a hard time and….had to remarry and I just wasn’t helping. After me dad died I couldn’t hear anyone. Nothing made sense. He used to come in me room at night and tell me old stories about the elves and dragons and monsters that used to live in Japan. He used to touch my hair and call me his treasure. He did all this before he died. Like, he wanted to save everyone but he didn’t save anything. He really didn’t save anything.”
“It was the summer after he died and mum was dating the new guy a lot and I couldn’t stay in school because teachers said I was a problem. I was a problem child. I didn’t follow the group and I was making everyone stressed so me mum, she called her cousin who lived on a farm in Shizuoka. It was a farm with horses, really some of the horses that were good enough or strong enough went to race in the horse races in Nagoya and one even went to Fuchu in Tokyo. Anyway, mum arranged for me to go out to the farm and stay with me auntie and her husband for a month. It all seemed like a good idea. I would be out in the country and relax and clean air and no school and the Horses. It all seemed like a really good idea and I was really keen to be away from mum and her new friend because I didn’t like how he looked at mum and I didn’t like how he looked at me.”
He propped himself up on one arm and asked me then “Did you like the farm Yuki?”
“I did. It was really fantastic like a fantasy place for an eight year old that had only lived in the city. Horses, pigs, flowers, trees…a real barn. It was amazing. Me autie and her husband were real kind to me as well. I remember arriving and the first few days I was real scared of the horses because…well…they’re bloody big animals aren’t they? But slowly, like at me own pace aunties husband, he helped me bit by bit to learn how to walk around the horses and how to touch them and then clean them and also, finally, after two weeks, I was riding them.”
“Did you like riding the horses there Yuki?” He asked me again, looking away to grab a glass of red wine we hadn’t finished. “Yeah…yeah I really liked the horses so much.”
“Your uncle was really nice to you, wasn’t he?” He asked me. I remembered. I flinched.
“He isn’t fucking me uncle. I never called him that.”
“What changed at the farm Yuki? What changed? Did you change Yuki?”
I stumble a minute and me throat gets tight but I know that’s just some from a movie. It’s some kind of a programming because a long time ago I told god that I’m done. I quit. My heart’s fucking well dead and I have no more emotions left. So I ignored the programming and I looked right at him, I didn’t back away. I had known what he would want and I was fine with it. I was the one that found him.
“I took a pee in me bed.”
“I took a pee in me bed, the little bed in the little room I had at the farm with the calendar with all the photos of funny kittens that hung on the wall over a small desk. I don’t know why I had an accident. I never really did that, but that night maybe I drank too much water or something but I peed in the bed and I had to get up, I remember I was really embarrassed about it and it made me feel gross and stupid so it took me, I dunno…45 minutes…to walk to the next room and wake up me auntie and tell her what I had done.”
“Was your auntie upset with you Yuki? Was she upset that you urinated in your bed?”
“What? No…no. She wasn’t, she was so kind to me about it. She just took me downstairs and she helped me change because…like…I had sort of lost it. I was silently crying very, very heavily. I don’t know why but it was like I was losing it completely. I was totally in hysterics yet I was completely silent. Auntie just kept wiping off me face, telling me it was OK and she gave me a clean shirt and underwear and we went upstairs and she laid…me down…she laid me down on their futon. In between her husband and herself.”
“Is that the end Yuki? Is that the end of your story about the farm?”
No more cigarettes.
“I don’t…know what time it was when…I woke up again. I can’t remember. But it was late at night. I could hear auntie sleeping. I could hear…her. And I noticed…it was really subtle…but…I noticed…”
“What did you notice? What did you notice Yuki?”
“I could feel ‘em…I could feel ‘em behind me, and his…I mean his dick you know, was very hard and he was pushing it against me. Against me backside. Slowly but he was pushing it over and over. I just…I thought…he must be asleep and having a dream and I didn’t move or nothing. I couldn’t move. I just laid there and he pushed on me. I thought…he’s gonna stop yeah? But then the next was his hand. It was on me backside and slowly….really slow, too slow for it to be a dream anymore, he moved his big hand around to me front part. My… cunt. And he started touching it.”
I stopped and turn away from him and his eyes. I stared at the shiny bloody colored wall and I jumped from shock when I felt him touch me. He was warm and big and he wrapped his arms round me and layed me down and I felt OK until he whispered into my ear from behind…
“What happened next Yuki? Did he leave you alone? Did your uncle stop touching you there?”
Fucker. Another member that wants to see the worst.
“No…he…I just got up. I tried to do it quickly, because me auntie was asleep and I was really worried about waking her up. I thought, I was just a kid you know, I thought if she woke up to that then she would be real mad with me. I had that idea. So I got up really careful and walked out of the room, downstairs and went into the toilet and locked the door.”
“ I don’t know…how long…I stayed in there. It felt like a decade. It felt like the earth was growing older while I hid in the toilet. I remember I could hear wind outside and the noise from the barn, noise that the horses were making.”
“…when I came out…he was standing right there. He had his sleeping shorts on and his top, and he was smiling a little. He took me by the hand and led me in the dark down the hall and into a small tatami mat room they had downstairs. It was the room that they used to honor dead family members. Pictures were hung up, old ones, no colors, and he went to a closet and pulled out a futon. I just stared at all the old pictures looking down at me from places on the walls and I could hear the horses outside making noise and I could see a moon…so big…I had never seen it like that, I could see it through the big sliding glass door.”
“Then he…he….he sort of…”
He made me lay down on the futon and he layed next to me. He asked me if I was a good girl, and asked me if I wet my bed all the time because good girls don’t do that. I was crying without a sound again and he asked if I wanted to wear pampers to bed like a baby and I shook my head no and he asked me again and I shook my head no and he said they had some there if I was a baby. I had tears and snot all over my face and his thick, lumpy hand was on my hip again rubbing me. I noticed he was shaking; his hands were shaking while he touched me and he asked me, real close to my face in the dark, his words stuck on to me and smeared all over me like smelly, warm wet liquorish, “Are you a big girl Yuki? Or are you a baby?”
“…well, he fucked me.” First he pulled his penis out, which was very hard and sticking straight out and he rubbed it all over my face. He rubbed it all over my face and it smelled like…soap and…it smelled like soap and meat. I had to put it in me mouth and he kept calling me a grown up and a big girl and then after that….I could still hear the wind, and the horses outside talking to me, telling me everything was going to be alright, but nothing was ever alright again, and he took my clothes off and he fucked me. I was eight years old.
“That was the first time. He gave me thirty thousand yen the next morning and told me I was a good girl. I never told anyone. Never. Actually, me mum sent me back there, for four more summers, and every year was the same. ”
He just held me from that point on and said nothing. I was still for a long time, until I was sure his dick wasn’t hard.
“Something like that…it…really fucks you up. You know?”