7 Terrifically Bad movies and the Genres to Match 1

I take pride in the  fact that I am something of a movie maniac.  Other words that have been used to describe the attention I pay to tinsel town and its respective colleagues are many including “aficionado”, “expert”, “intense-hobbyist”, “dork”, “gross movie guy” and “Really? Jesus.”

I’ve heard them all and I lovingly spread my arms and embrace my identity.  I am a movie Otaku.  Yes, it’s true.  I can prattle on and on with like-minded individuals for hours, literally eating up pressure afternoons on the freeway to my coffin, just debating about what film had the best closing credits or whether or not Christopher Nolan has in fact become “Jaded by Hollywood.”

In this post however, I’m delving deep, deeper than many of you have ever gone  before in order to shine the light of day on 7 incredibly shitty movies.  Don’t ask “why” because there are no answers.  A lot like Japanese videos games, the only point is to play, and searching for logical meaning will only lead you to seizures and dark cravings for foods prepared by the intellectually deficient.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

As an additional shameless gimmick, I have chosen one film from each of the majorly over abused movie genres.  Of course, any one of these could arguably have a shot at “Worst piece of piss ever”, and since I can’t make a decision I’ve contacted my long time friend, spiritual adviser and well-known movie critic Steven Seagal to help me with the ratings.

Nobody knows really bad movies quite like Seagal Sensei, and that’s all from first hand experience.  He has starred in such gems as “A Dangerous Man“, “Attack Force” and “Belly of the Beast“.

Seagal Sensei has a black belt in “direct to Video release” and the boots to match.  The man is a living legend in Eastern Europe for making entire movies in a matter of weeks and mystically, never moving more than six consecutive feet in any one direction during the entire shooting process.  Eastern Europeans still respect and admire a man that can keep a quality den of sex slaves.

As some of you may know, Steven is a 13th degree black belt in the mystical art of Aikido as well, so it only made sense that we based his entire judging point system on bone snapping: the more bones that get broken indicate points towards worst movie on the list. 2 snapped wrists might sound really good, but that really can’t compare with 7 mangled elbows.  The more carnage Seagal Sensei administers, the shittier the movie.

He has also been good enough to leave us with his own thoughts, a little film critique if you will, at the end of each entry.  Words from the Master.

Without further ado….

7. Evil Behind you (Genre= “Christian Horror”)

 That's right. Five...FIVE broken wrist-arms for "Evil Behind You"!

I think this movie deserved at least 8 broken parts, but you don’t argue with a man who can kick you in the groin so hard your dead male relatives throw up.

The “Plot”

Lisa Williams and Debra Reynolds were both enjoying evenings out when something went very wrong. Neither girl can recall what has happened as they awake locked in a dark observation room. Debra’s husband, Tony and Lisa’s boyfriend David are both handcuffed to operating tables and there is no explanation. No one will respond to their calls for help and there is no way out of the room. The abducted couples are unwilling victims of a scientific experiment. As the guys recover from the anesthesia, the girls attempt to comfort them. But something strange is happening to them. The men are fighting to maintain their minds. The reasons for their abductions are unknown and they must solve the mystery soon, because their confinement isn’t the biggest problem. They are sensing something that is more than flesh and blood. Something else seems to be in the room with them. The longer they stay…

Sounds great, right?  Well, if you were to take a standard adult film, a porno, the same level of production, script, sets, camera work and score, and then surgically removed all the sex, you would then be left with “Evil Behind You.”

As I suffered through this, at every turn,  I fully expected Hillary Kennedy to turn toward the men shackled to the beds and say “These demons aren’t taking you if I have anything to do with it.” Then leap on top of them and start sucking their dicks.  In fact, that’s the ONLY reason I made it through this movie.  My mind has been trained to expect that nasty hot action after a center type of ridiculous/erotic bit of dialogue, and even though I knew this was billed as a “-Christian film-, (really, it really honestly was)” I still would have bet money that the women in this, would have at any moment, entangled themselves in a dark,techno beat driven, Lesbian orgy.  It just has a big time porno vibe to it.

Released on DVD, the cover is brilliant in its extravagant lies.  A sexy chick, nice butt, old spooky  church in the background and a bunch of crows oozing menace.  This has less than nothing to do with the film’s plot and even less than that to do with its production quality which can be seen, poor and begging, in the video clip below.

In closing, a word from the Master.

6. The Roller Blade Seven (Genre: Dystopian Rollerblade Universe)

SIX various arm-bone-shatterings!  The movies get worse and the carnage sky rockets!  Thanks Aikido!

The “Plot”:

In a post-apocalyptic world where rollerblading is the chief means of travel, a sword-wielding roller skater fights evil ninjas, punk roller skaters and is sent on an important rescue mission

These days it’s so easy to be fooled.  For example you can see where it says “The “Plot” yes?  That was a lie.  This movie has no plot.

Right from the beginning things are made pretty clear.  When they say the “post-apocalyptic world where rollerblading is the chief means of travel” what they mean is “an empty parking garage in Palmdale California, on a holiday weekend.”

Meaningless.

Does anyone know how to say “total and complete failure” in Hollywood speak?  I do; Scott Shaw.  His IMDb bio reads like a paedophile prank call script.  If you can’t pronounce Scott Shaw, it’s ok, yet another way to say failure in Hollywood speak would be Frank Stallone.  Oh what? He has musical talents? Fuck his musical talents.  If music is his thing, stop showing up in movies in “uncredited” roles.

And Scott Shaw…what can I say about him? What can anyone say?  He looks like He-Man; if He-Man were an AIDS patient.  None of Scott Shaw’s warlock spells worked correctly, and now he has the physique of a slave trader.

I can say nothing more about this other than there is no plot, no acting, no meaning and no excuse.

Sensei…can you please enlighten us?

Brace yourself for excellence….

5. At Dawn they Sleep (Genre: Vampire/Angel Thriller)

Master Steven told me to ignore the material world. Then, he snapped a shit load of bones to show you all how bad this movie is. He proves again that Tai chi works!

The “Plot”:

Stephen and Ian are ruthless drug lords who are in the middle of a war with their rival Billy Rae Douglas. One night Stephen and Ian escort two girls home with them whom actually seem to be stranger than they are. The next morning they wake up and the girls are gone and Stephen and Ian are not feeling so well and soon find out their lives have been changed forever. They find out that the girls were actually Angels that infected them with a vampire type virus. In exchange for immortality, Stephen and Ian along with the other hordes of Vampires, are to kill off the human race so that the Angels can take back what should have been theirs. The Vampires begin their slaughter until the Demon world steps in to put an end to the Angel’s plans, for the Demons are satisfied with the way the three worlds co-exists.

Not too long ago, I thought Scott Shaw was really horrible, I would rather have watched an orphanage burn to the ground before viewing anymore of his “movies”.  However, having watched “At Dawn they Sleep” has now wiped all that animosity away and set a new low-level for future failures to chase after.

“At Dawn they Sleep” makes “Hood of Horror” look like an Academy nominee.  Everything from the premise, which unless I’m mistaken is an analogy for HIV, is about as amusing as an anxious trip to the free clinic for a day-after-the-fact blood test.  THAT un-amusing but without the tension/relief/doomsday climax at the end.  Nope. Nothing.

In fact the last 20 minutes seem to be largely editing mistakes.  As if someone let their 95-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer’s come in and play with their Mac book.

You can see in the video below that it was clearly filmed with someones iPod propped up against some old vodka bottles and the only redeeming part in the whole gauntlet of pain and regret is when the porno girls, oops- I mean “angels” come and basically strip tease/neck bite these idiots into the film plot.

I’m not certain, but I can’t even imagine the guru himself could save this botched abortion.

Forgive me Sensei.

Go to Part 2

7 Terrifically Bad movies and the Genres to Match 2

Continued….

4. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (Genre: Pro-Choice)

That’s a lot of crushed ass throats Sensei. Arigatou Gozaimasu.

The “Plot”:

A group of smart-talking toddlers find themselves at the center of a media mogul’s experiment to crack the code to baby talk. The toddlers must race against time for the sake of babies everywhere.

This movie made me do two things simultaneously.  One- I puked into my mouth and Two- I cursed the gods above.

This “movie” is nothing more than a fucking train wreck of the sensibilities and everyone died. Everyone.

Jon Voight…Jesus man.  How far can you possibly fall?  Voight is now officially the Nicolas Cage of old people, and the two of them are in a running for most depressing acting career implosion in the universe.

Voight actually went on Kilborn to PROMOTE this nightmare on-screen.  The angels are weeping Mr. Voight, I weep alongside them.

Review comments from the web, mostly written by mothers that were forced into viewing this abomination at the theater due to screaming children, say it so, so well.  Read their pain….

-Never have I wanted so badly to dig my eyes out with a spoon.-

- I went out to get candy, to go to the bathroom, to wipe the floor, to scratch the walls… Anything to get away from that God awful movie…-

-At the screening I attended no less than 12,of the families attending walked out a third of the way through leaving 5, brave families in the theatre .And there was no laughter even from the kids .-

-Sadly it was so wonderfully terrible that it went past the funny stage into pure hell. -

- I would rather eat a bucket of glass than watch this movie again.-

-This film is full of awful one liners and the script makes Power Rangers look like Pulp Fiction.-

Sounds like a big group of satisfied customers to me.

Let’s see what the Master has to say about this well praised theatrical masterpiece.

Now, know their pain….

3. Star Quest: The Odyssey (Genre: Bottom dollar Sci-fi rip offs)

In Aikido they call this move Iriminage.  I’m guessing that means “fucking throat crush”.  Star Quest got NINE of these.

.

The “Plot”: 

At the end of mankind’s greatest battle, empires will crumble, alliances will form, enemies will rise and heroes will fall. World’s will end, and a new journey will begin.

The above plot summary is the one given on IMDb and it’s vague enough to be Obama’s campaign slogan.  So what really is the plot of “Star Quest: The Odyssey”?

The honest truth is I have no idea.  I know that there are some people in it.  I know that although this is one of, if not THE, most brazen Star Trek rip-off I have ever encountered, the entirety of the costumes and sets for the movie were all purchased at various garage sales in Tucson Arizona some afternoon for twenty bucks and a half eaten Subway club sandwich.

I know that the “actor” who plays the super dynamic character “Dertax” is lucky to still be alive.  I’m certain intelligence agencies and terrorist cells world-wide would love to murder him.  In fact, I am single-handedly blaming the current global economy on Aaron Ginn-Forsberg, that’s his name.  Hunt him down, make him pay.

No real plot, a cast of about ten people and the worst sets I’ve seen since Vacation bible school in ’89 and our rendition of “Noah and the Ark”.

Only one man can save us now.  One Law man.

We wish you all the luck in the world Sensei. The trailer below looks like an advertisement for a retirement home…in someones tool shed.

2. Brothers in Arms (Genre: Blacksploitation)

That’s TEN…yes TEN Aikido Death slams that the Master gives for this totally socially irresponsible piece of shit.


The “Plot”:

A band of disenfranchised blacks who have lost their land, possessions and loved ones to the evil ‘powers that be’ decide to take the law into their own hands and seek revenge against those responsible. Soon branded as outlaws with ‘dead or alive’ bounties on their heads they gallantly ride into Driscollville in search of redemption. 

We all now that David Carradine – R.I.P.- killed himself, and now we know why.

“Brothers in Arms” was honestly going to be number one on this list, and it just barely missed obtaining that auspicious position.

Nothing in this movie makes any sense.  Nothing.  The plot is ridiculous.  The characters are all horrific and transparent and the sets etc are pathetic.

I get it.  “Lets make a cowboy movie but reverse all the normal conventions.  The black guys will be the heroes.  The women will be empowered and tough.  The soundtrack will be hip etc.  And hey, let’s get Carradine to be his character from “Kill Bill” because it worked in that movie.”

All reasonable ideas and it all fucking totally failed. This is easily the worst “Western” I have ever seen and that’s saying a hell of a lot.  I watched “Wild Wild West” with the fresh prince of Belair and I nearly choked on my tears it was so bad.  But I would happily sit through a  72 hour marathon of nothing but Will Smith wearing a cowboy hat while a Somalian pirate slaps his dick against my face before I ever watch “Brothers in Arms” again.

I’m ashamed to even ask Sensei what he has to say about all this.

1. Justin Bieber: Never say Never (Genre: Narcissistic mockumentary)

Well…you guys heard him. We went too far.

The “Plot”

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is the inspiring, entertaining and intimate look at the life and meteoric rise of pop phenomenon Justin Bieber. From small town boy to global super-star, Never Say Never follows Justin Bieber’s journey from his early years, to his rise from break-out internet sensation to global super-star, culminating with a sold-out show at the famed Madison Square Garden. More than just a concert, Never Say Never is a captivating, cinematic event featuring all-star musical talent including, Usher, Jaden Smith, Ludacris, and more!

Justin Bieber entertains me as much as penile colonies do, and by that I mean dick cancer and groin punch.

Every movie on this list is abyssal but Bieber’s documentary actually had me trying to order suicide supplies online, ten minutes into it.  Watching this, him, and his legion of screaming tween fans made me long for the old days when you could kick kids in the face, stub out your cigarette on their cheek and people called it summer camp.

This video is nothing more than the most transparent attempt to milk a few more million dollars out a phenomenon that has a pretty clear expiration date on it.    Everyone involved with this malfunction of reason and abandonment of justice is there simply for a pay-day that they should yes, all be ashamed of.

The only thing that gives me some piece are the words of a great man, Denis Leary.  Referring to a boy band that polluted his reality he said “I have actually come to love Hanson, and I’ll tell you why. Because they are gonna crash and burn so hard it’s gonna be fucking great!”

I am praying and lighting little candles looking forward to the day when Bieber gets arrested while receiving oral sex from some filthy tranny in a public bathroom in Denver and if I’m truly lucky he will have just enough crank in his tattered windbreaker pocket to ensure that he does time.  I can only wait for my sweet revenge and use the patience the Master, my spiritual guru , has taught me.

In closing, I recommend none of these movies to you, they are all horrific and you’re dying fast enough as it is.  Don’t waste your time.  I did it for you. Arm break.

Thanks Sensei. I’ll take your advice as I cannot bring myself to put a video of Justin Bieber on my site, I’ll finish up with a motivating video, the story of Steven Seagal.

Go Back to Part 1

If you like this, you might like:

Gaysians heist Sato death-penalty marathon
Gaysians 7 Awesome Heist movies and Why
they Rock
Seagal vs Van Damme Death Penalty Survivor Hardest Endurance
Tests
Tweet Me

In the 90s, action stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal were at the top of their games. Now both stars have gone their respective paths. Van Damme just made the incredible JCVD spoofing his fall from grace. While Seagal goes through the motions starring in Eastern Europeon factory films. Mind you he does have a surprisingly addictive reality show (Steven Seagal Lawman) following him and his giant ego around his part time job as a New Orleans Police man.

But thirteen years ago the two almost knocked heads. Apparently Seagal was going around telling everyone that he could kick Van Damme’s ass. This pissed off Van Damme immensely and a Hollywood feud was born. It got so bad that Sylvester Stallone threw a party in 1997 at his Miami home to settle the dispute. Stallone has been quoted as saying, “At a party in my home … Van Damme was tired of Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard,

Seagal made his excuses and left. But Van Damme, who was berserk, tracked him down at a nightclub and offered him out again. Van Damme was too strong. Seagal wanted none of it,” Stallone said.

The fight never happened and as time progressed both fell from the A-list. But the almost altercation still comes up some times. Here on a French talk show Van Damme does a spot on imitation of Stallone hosting the 1997 party:

While on Steven Seagal: Lawman Seagal does his best to deny anything ever transpired between the two.

On here is a flashback of him on The Arsenio Hall Show (Starts at 6:00)

How the fight would have looked:

UPDATE:

Channel 5 had a movie special where they have one movie from Van Damm and one from Seagal and see who wins in the ratings. The promo mashups were kinda funny:



In the end though it was Seagal who won by views:

And the winner is … Seagal! You might know him from films such as Pistol Whipped, Mercenary For Justice, Flight of Fury, Hard To Kill, or the far superior Out For A Kill, which averaged 1.5 million viewers on Five. Van Damme’s efforts in The Shepherd, Until Death, Kickboxer, Inferno, JCVD – which Monkey thought was a make of television – and Second In Command (if Van Damme’s second, who’s first?) averaged 1.2 million. Take that, so-called muscles from Brussels!
Guardian

If you like this, you might like:

Chong Dom GTO Marines Tigre
Fem-Porn Dominatrix GTO Enlisting FIGHT
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,044 other followers