7 Terrifically Bad movies and the Genres to Match 1
I take pride in the fact that I am something of a movie maniac. Other words that have been used to describe the attention I pay to tinsel town and its respective colleagues are many including “aficionado”, “expert”, “intense-hobbyist”, “dork”, “gross movie guy” and “Really? Jesus.”
I’ve heard them all and I lovingly spread my arms and embrace my identity. I am a movie Otaku. Yes, it’s true. I can prattle on and on with like-minded individuals for hours, literally eating up pressure afternoons on the freeway to my coffin, just debating about what film had the best closing credits or whether or not Christopher Nolan has in fact become “Jaded by Hollywood.”
In this post however, I’m delving deep, deeper than many of you have ever gone before in order to shine the light of day on 7 incredibly shitty movies. Don’t ask “why” because there are no answers. A lot like Japanese videos games, the only point is to play, and searching for logical meaning will only lead you to seizures and dark cravings for foods prepared by the intellectually deficient.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
As an additional shameless gimmick, I have chosen one film from each of the majorly over abused movie genres. Of course, any one of these could arguably have a shot at “Worst piece of piss ever”, and since I can’t make a decision I’ve contacted my long time friend, spiritual adviser and well-known movie critic Steven Seagal to help me with the ratings.
Seagal Sensei has a black belt in “direct to Video release” and the boots to match. The man is a living legend in Eastern Europe for making entire movies in a matter of weeks and mystically, never moving more than six consecutive feet in any one direction during the entire shooting process. Eastern Europeans still respect and admire a man that can keep a quality den of sex slaves.
As some of you may know, Steven is a 13th degree black belt in the mystical art of Aikido as well, so it only made sense that we based his entire judging point system on bone snapping: the more bones that get broken indicate points towards worst movie on the list. 2 snapped wrists might sound really good, but that really can’t compare with 7 mangled elbows. The more carnage Seagal Sensei administers, the shittier the movie.
He has also been good enough to leave us with his own thoughts, a little film critique if you will, at the end of each entry. Words from the Master.
Without further ado….
7. Evil Behind you (Genre= “Christian Horror”)
That's right. Five...FIVE broken wrist-arms for "Evil Behind You"!
I think this movie deserved at least 8 broken parts, but you don’t argue with a man who can kick you in the groin so hard your dead male relatives throw up.
Lisa Williams and Debra Reynolds were both enjoying evenings out when something went very wrong. Neither girl can recall what has happened as they awake locked in a dark observation room. Debra’s husband, Tony and Lisa’s boyfriend David are both handcuffed to operating tables and there is no explanation. No one will respond to their calls for help and there is no way out of the room. The abducted couples are unwilling victims of a scientific experiment. As the guys recover from the anesthesia, the girls attempt to comfort them. But something strange is happening to them. The men are fighting to maintain their minds. The reasons for their abductions are unknown and they must solve the mystery soon, because their confinement isn’t the biggest problem. They are sensing something that is more than flesh and blood. Something else seems to be in the room with them. The longer they stay…
Sounds great, right? Well, if you were to take a standard adult film, a porno, the same level of production, script, sets, camera work and score, and then surgically removed all the sex, you would then be left with “Evil Behind You.”
As I suffered through this, at every turn, I fully expected Hillary Kennedy to turn toward the men shackled to the beds and say “These demons aren’t taking you if I have anything to do with it.” Then leap on top of them and start sucking their dicks. In fact, that’s the ONLY reason I made it through this movie. My mind has been trained to expect that nasty hot action after a center type of ridiculous/erotic bit of dialogue, and even though I knew this was billed as a “-Christian film-, (really, it really honestly was)” I still would have bet money that the women in this, would have at any moment, entangled themselves in a dark,techno beat driven, Lesbian orgy. It just has a big time porno vibe to it.
Released on DVD, the cover is brilliant in its extravagant lies. A sexy chick, nice butt, old spooky church in the background and a bunch of crows oozing menace. This has less than nothing to do with the film’s plot and even less than that to do with its production quality which can be seen, poor and begging, in the video clip below.
In closing, a word from the Master.
6. The Roller Blade Seven (Genre: Dystopian Rollerblade Universe)
SIX various arm-bone-shatterings! The movies get worse and the carnage sky rockets! Thanks Aikido!
In a post-apocalyptic world where rollerblading is the chief means of travel, a sword-wielding roller skater fights evil ninjas, punk roller skaters and is sent on an important rescue mission
These days it’s so easy to be fooled. For example you can see where it says “The “Plot” yes? That was a lie. This movie has no plot.
Right from the beginning things are made pretty clear. When they say the “post-apocalyptic world where rollerblading is the chief means of travel” what they mean is “an empty parking garage in Palmdale California, on a holiday weekend.”
Does anyone know how to say “total and complete failure” in Hollywood speak? I do; Scott Shaw. His IMDb bio reads like a paedophile prank call script. If you can’t pronounce Scott Shaw, it’s ok, yet another way to say failure in Hollywood speak would be Frank Stallone. Oh what? He has musical talents? Fuck his musical talents. If music is his thing, stop showing up in movies in “uncredited” roles.
And Scott Shaw…what can I say about him? What can anyone say? He looks like He-Man; if He-Man were an AIDS patient. None of Scott Shaw’s warlock spells worked correctly, and now he has the physique of a slave trader.
I can say nothing more about this other than there is no plot, no acting, no meaning and no excuse.
Sensei…can you please enlighten us?
Brace yourself for excellence….
5. At Dawn they Sleep (Genre: Vampire/Angel Thriller)
Master Steven told me to ignore the material world. Then, he snapped a shit load of bones to show you all how bad this movie is. He proves again that Tai chi works!
Stephen and Ian are ruthless drug lords who are in the middle of a war with their rival Billy Rae Douglas. One night Stephen and Ian escort two girls home with them whom actually seem to be stranger than they are. The next morning they wake up and the girls are gone and Stephen and Ian are not feeling so well and soon find out their lives have been changed forever. They find out that the girls were actually Angels that infected them with a vampire type virus. In exchange for immortality, Stephen and Ian along with the other hordes of Vampires, are to kill off the human race so that the Angels can take back what should have been theirs. The Vampires begin their slaughter until the Demon world steps in to put an end to the Angel’s plans, for the Demons are satisfied with the way the three worlds co-exists.
Not too long ago, I thought Scott Shaw was really horrible, I would rather have watched an orphanage burn to the ground before viewing anymore of his “movies”. However, having watched “At Dawn they Sleep” has now wiped all that animosity away and set a new low-level for future failures to chase after.
“At Dawn they Sleep” makes “Hood of Horror” look like an Academy nominee. Everything from the premise, which unless I’m mistaken is an analogy for HIV, is about as amusing as an anxious trip to the free clinic for a day-after-the-fact blood test. THAT un-amusing but without the tension/relief/doomsday climax at the end. Nope. Nothing.
In fact the last 20 minutes seem to be largely editing mistakes. As if someone let their 95-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer’s come in and play with their Mac book.
You can see in the video below that it was clearly filmed with someones iPod propped up against some old vodka bottles and the only redeeming part in the whole gauntlet of pain and regret is when the porno girls, oops- I mean “angels” come and basically strip tease/neck bite these idiots into the film plot.
I’m not certain, but I can’t even imagine the guru himself could save this botched abortion.
Forgive me Sensei.