Rants/Raves


Zen Master

Guest Post from the Japan addict and junkie, The Zen Master

Greetings and salutations my fine feathered ‘Gaijin’ comrades er uhh I mean friends. So how is life in Japan these days? I take it you’re probably having your monthly “What the hell am I doing in Japan?” menstruation right about now. Don’t worry so am I. It really is nothing to be ashamed of and In fact, it is completely one hundred percent normal. So don’t fret or feel sad lonely and depressed just grin and bear it and take comfort knowing there are others out there that feel the exact same way as you do. OK, and In the meantime perhaps I can offer you some words of comfort and wisdom a little ‘verbal Tampax’ if you will, to ease the discomfort.

Let’s take a long slow deep breath, that’s it, slowly, as you inhale visualize the 2.5mm pollution particle filled air from China seeping deeper and deeper into the lower cavities of your lungs, energizing each and every capillary, hold and exhale. Ahhh see don’t you feel better now? I knew you would, now let’s just hope there was no radioactive pollen in there.

In all seriousness it’s not that bad of a place is it? Japan. And if it was, you’re smart, you wouldn’t still be here would you? Think of all the idiosyncrasies you have developed and experiences you’ve had since setting foot in the land of the rising sun. I am as sure as the shit caked on the side of a Japanese squatter toilet by the guy who just used it before you that you wouldn’t want to trade them or give them away for anything.

The characters and friends you have made, all priceless. Except that one son of a bitch you work with on Wednesdays, God we hate him. Don’t call me ‘Dude’ ever again you fucking cunt. Whoops, OK, let me clarify something, I am a zen master; but every now and then I like to come down to the earthly realm and vent my frustrations just like the rest of you. Lets continue..

Remember that time you were stalked by your 50 year old butt ugly boss with missing teeth who kept asking you to marry her? That was not so funny at the time, but now you can just look back and laugh about it right, hahaha. Same goes for all of you who went down with the Nova ship. I told you that last payment was never going to come.

Anyway, my point is that with time all your troubles and obstacles that seemed so insurmountable at the time will become trivial distant memories floating around in your continually alcohol flooded cranium and will not phase you in the least bit. Your early years here in Japan have made you strong and give you strength to do and accomplish all your dreams.

OK, Still not convinced this is the place for you? OK, fair enough, It’s not my job to convince you it is or isn’t . Only you can ultimately decide where you belong on this great big planet. Search your heart and search your soul and then walk around Tokyo on a warm spring day looking at all the female 20 somethings in short skirts and high heels prancing down the street and then you will know where you truly belong.

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Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, feliz navidad, As-salamu alaykum or whatever greeting you feel is appropriate this time of year. I prefer raising drinks to CHEERS! personally.

Today I was walking through the icy streets of Tokyo, past the endless lines of Japanese waiting hours to get their KFC Fried Chicken. Which still amazes me how the Japanese can take the West’s rampant commercialism of Christmas and just take it to the next level!

Japanese Christmas line up for KFC

Cause nothing says Christmas like a fat guy with a suit and beard … wait a second!

The sky was the perfect ocean blue, making the day crisp, but the wind tore through my jacket like I was wearing some greased stained wife beater. I was just trying to survive the time it took to march through the concrete labyrinth that is Tokyo, to the comfort of the heated train.

Of course as I thought of the phrase “trying to survive” a magical process caused my brain to reach back into my grey matter to that song Staying Alive. Luckily instead of having to deal with the cold and some disco song endlessly repeating in my head, I have programmed my brain to remember this video with Vinnie Jones:

Which besides telling us that we don’t kiss anyone anymore during CPR gives us a guide for keeping the heart beating. While watching Vinnie be sure to note the dirty warehouses, hairless hooligans, all the great cliches of English gangster movies, which are some of the best gangster movies in the world.

So I was quite surprised at the result of the American version of this video:

Which is OK but pales in comparison to the British one. The Hangover
guy was there, which makes sense because he is actually a doctor in real life but I guess he can only do caricatures of small Asian people, contract thing maybe?

That was really the best they could do? An edgy American mafia knock up would have had the potential to go viral but no they had to go with the American cliches, boring uncool WASPs, Tits and ass with the throwaway stereotype minority.

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Money is a funny thing in Japan. During the Bubble Economy the Japanese had too much of it. They bought up everything and were seen as the new boogeymen after the Soviets kicked the bucket (Think about the evil Japanese billionaires in movies like Die Hard or Rising Sun) But then the whole house of cards came crashing down.

Just to give you an idea of the amount of money that used to be flowing around we can look at Japanese spending money. In this country three quarters of men get a certain amount of spending money, in the form of a monthly allowance, from their wives. Since 1979 Shinsei Bank has been tracking this amount. In 2011 the allowance was 39,600 Yen or about $US 500 per month. This compares to 1990, a year before the bubble burst, when the allowance was 76,000 Yen (or about US$ 950 in 2012 money). Twice as much money was flowing around the economy keeping restaurants and drinking establishments awash with cash. Since the bubble Japan is still trying to recover, of course the world economic collapse and the 311 radiation inducing earthquake aren’t helping.

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Even in all these economic hard times it’s amazing for me how the Japanese view money and family. In her biography Yakuza Moon Shoko Tendo describes her life which boils down to -slaving away at a variety of shady jobs to support her family as they fall into one crisis after another-. In Japan it seems there’s no question raised in regards to whether supporting someone is a good idea, simply put it’s just; “How much money do you need? Here you go.” Where as in Western Nations people might question throwing money into a black hole, for Shoko Tendo, it was always just handing over whatever she made.

This has created its own little criminal class of people who prey on this culture of give money first, ask questions later. Hundreds of scams in Japan induce people to hand over cash after conmen, confidence-men etc, convince them that their relatives are in trouble.

Already I can see problems in the future, when as part of a Japanese family, I will be expected to hand over thousands of dollars of cash with no questions asked.

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As an expat you get to partake in a ritual that others know nothing about, returning as a foreigner to your homeland.

After living a few years away from your homeland you will find that your country has moved on while your concept of the mother country has remained the same in your head, a virtual time capsule to be crushed upon your return. Part of this reverse culture shock is the obvious new buildings, or new trains, planes and auto-mobiles that have transformed your old stomping grounds. The other aspect of reverse shock is the evolving culture that people who actually live at home don’t actually see that only an expat can pick out. I’m pushing 10 years outside of my country, not all of it in Japan, and I’m always amazed at how my homeland has changed.

Tattoos

In my years away it’s amazing just how many people are inked up. Every 30 something and down have tattoos now. Not just unicorns and Irish clovers but full on planned designs that cover entire arms, shoulders and backs.

No trampstamps or unicorns here

A lot of it is beautifully done mind you and I see lots of Japanese influence which is of course ironic considering just how much tattoos are hated in Japan. (Read: Japan gave up its tattoo culture to become more western)

Guido Explosion

For something to appear on the popular culture radar when you live in another country and don’t have access to local TV, newspapers from your country it has to be big and have a serious following. I heard people reference Jersey Shore, the so called new reality TV explosion, for sometime.

I knew it was big, but I didn’t know just how big. There are pumped up meat heads all around that could seamlessly join the cast of Jersey Shore at any time and I’m visiting the West Coast as far from any sort of Italian population as you can get.

Evolution of music

I know it’s just the nature of music to evolve, that things were underground, then become mainstream but its different for someone, like me, that has been out of town. People who have lived in the west are like the proverbial frogs in boiling water that don’t jump out because the water slowly heated up without it noticing. Yet I am the frog who rather than sitting in water that has slowly had the temperature turned up was instead thrown into the boiling bubbling mass. When I left electronic music was viewed with fear and disdain. People talked about how it would usher in a new wave of drug plagues but now it is totally mainstream with the booming bass beating from every store, TV commercial and bar with all the fist pumping that goes with it.

I can’t handle western food

I don’t really keep track what goes into my mouth, I just eat whatever is in front of me. I do know that I’m not eating 100% Japanese food but in Japan rice has definitely become a big stable. I’m not sure if my problem is that or portion size but whatever it is there is a war going on in my digestive tract. Some sort of chemical gas battle that makes me a bloatly mess that expunges gas like a Zeppelin. Then there is the exit flow that alternates from several day droughts to flows so powerful that I have new understanding for what GaijinAss went through when he joined the Marines. (Read: My adventures in joining the Marines)

Junkies

Maybe its just my little west coast enclave but there are junkies EVERYWHERE! I’m sure Japan has heroin, meth addicts but you never see them or they are some how able to function and avoid becoming the horribly scabby, skinny sketch bags that inhabit seemingly every corner, watching you with their flickering eyes.

Militarized Junkie Zombies

They were always there when I lived at home but I guess I had just learned to ignore them, and their pleas for some change for a meal/fix. Once a while back I took back home a Japanese friend with me and she remarked how they looked like zombies which in a word perfectly captured their shuffle, appearance, and demeanour … zombies indeed. (Read:The Walking Dead cop out)

The Meth Effect

In hand with the junkies are the lengths that society has been forced to adapt to Meth. Now when you walk through the over the counter section of the supermarket/pharmacy whole shelves have been placed behind protective glass or now have metal sheets that hid cough syrup behind a sign telling you to ask a pharmacist to unlock the door and the formerly innocent products that it contained and that are now building blocks for endless energy in a pipe.

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